


A Spider By Any Other Name

by qu33nb33



Category: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Coming Out, Fluff, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Miles Morales, autistic peni parker, trans girl peni parker, trans peni parker
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-21 13:14:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17643506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qu33nb33/pseuds/qu33nb33
Summary: She really, really hated the name Peter. Nothing against the Peters, of course, but that name--she had spent a long time trying to get away from it.She felt conflicted now that she was surrounded by it. On the one hand, the name left a bitter taste in her mouth and a bad feeling that crawled up her spine.On the other, Peter meant family.





	1. Gwen

**Author's Note:**

> -peace signs- i know peni is canonly like 14 currently in the comics but for this fic she's more like.. idk, younger, younger than miles at least. probably ten. she has a tentative, scared grasp on her identity in multiple ways so she has the stubborn certainty of a kid and the fear of the future of one as well.
> 
> also ive only seen the movie once and have never read a comic on my life so any inconsistencies are totally mistakes but also AUs 
> 
> (im trans, but not this flavor of trans, so please let me know if i mess anything up.)

Gwen had actually been the first to notice.

When Peni closed the bathroom door behind her and immediately sunk to the ground she heard Gwen's footsteps fall silent on just the other side. They hadn't spoken much--Gwen hadn't spoken much to anyone besides Miles and Peter, really--but Peni could sense the concern in the older spider's body language. Even through a door Gwen's emotions were practically tangible, and she wondered if that was another spider thing.

"Hey, kiddo?" Gwen's voice had the awkward acknowledgement of 'we're equals but you're several years younger than me and I don't know how to address you' and Peni let it slide. "You okay?"

Peni faked a smile to herself in an attempt to make it real. "I'm fine! Just a little overwhelmed."

She barely heard Gwen hum on the other side, a sound of agreement. In truth she had gotten tired of hearing people talk about Peter, about Spiderman, about Aunt May's nephew. It wasn't a lie. It was definitely overwhelming, especially on top of everything else.

Peni stared at the nightlight across the small room from her. She hadn't even bothered to turn the light on and the darkness of the room helped calm her nerves. She was safe. She was in a house full of spider people, some of the nicest people that existed, probably. 

And yet her hands shook and her stomach rolled.

"Can I come in?"

That surprised her. She hadn't expected Gwen to be so concerned. Maybe she hadn't kept her cool as much as she thought she had. Or maybe Gwen wasn't as closed off as she pretended to be. Peni understood the act, if it was one. Sometimes it was just easier to pretend you didn't have feelings. That way you could pretend people didn't hurt you or disappoint you.

She scooted across the floor and leaned against the cabinets. "It's open." Gwen was probably the least awkward of the spiders to talk to, at least. Noir and Peter were old, Ham was a bit out of the loop, and Miles was... A mess in general, really. Gwen had her own problems, but it was tolerable compared to the others.

The door inched open and Gwen poked her head in tentatively as if Peni would attack her. Instead, Peni just stared up at her from the floor of the dark room and smiled. Gwen moved to sit beside her and closed the door again.

Peni noticed the way Gwen sat, almost as if she didn't fully trust herself to completely relax. Like she would have to move again. Peni wondered if it was out of a mistrust of her or herself. She didn't want to know the answer, really.

"So, uh," Gwen looked around the dark room as best she could, "You... doing okay?"

Peni shrugged. "M fine."

"I know what a panic attack looks like, kid. You've been in the middle of one for like twenty minutes."

Despite the softness of her tone, Peni felt as if she had been stabbed in the chest. She was  _right._ As soon as Gwen said it Peni had to look away and take a deep breath, arms wrapped around her knees.

She felt like she was going to die.

"Easy, Peni." Gwen's voice was soft beside her, "You're safe. Just breathe."

And she did. She shoved her face into her knees and breathed deeply, even as she sobbed. It was all just so stressful and unexpected and she didn't know what to do. Usually she had scripts for interactions. Yes, I have done the class work. You're welcome, it's my job. I can't do that right now, bye.

But being thrown into another dimension? A dimension where multiple people you meet go by your deadname, are you in a different universe? There was no script for that. Nothing to base her social interactions off of. Nothing to say.

She realized she had all but ended up in Gwen's lap as she cried, and she didn't know which of them had initiated the contact. Regardless, she buried her head in Gwen's shoulder as her sniffles finally died down. Gwen wordlessly ran her hand through Peni's hair, a comforting gesture of understanding.

When she was done Peni stayed still and just enjoyed the older girl's presence. For a moment she could pretend the interaction was normal. There was no villain, she wasn't stuck in another dimension, various family members hadn't died in her line of work... She simply existed, safe and secure and exhausted in a totally normal situation. It was a nice thought, at least.

"I hate the name Peter." She offered, finally. Gwen didn't seem the type to need to know, but it felt like the least she could do. And she needed to vent about it, anyways. 

Gwen snorted. "Harsh, but I'm sure you have your reasons."

Peni stared wordlessly at the darkness for a moment. She whispered, barely audible in a voice scratchy from crying, "People used to call  _me_ Peter." 

Gwen's grip on her tightened and she knew she had made the right choice to tell her. Gwen held her like a human blanket and all but breathed Peni into herself. "They're not talking about you, Peni."

"I  _know._ " She pouted, "I know it's a different Peter--they're all different Peters! But--" She sighed out of frustration and resisted the urge to pull away, "I've been thinking about it, you know? You and Miles--you aren't Parkers or Porkers, you're completely different people, you know? And I'm--"

"Stop that." Gwen's harsh voice startled her and she did pull away then. She looked up at Gwen, both surprised and ashamed by the sudden scolding. "You're not Peter. Just because you have the same last name doesn't mean you're supposed to be Peter. You're  _Peni_. Ham has a different last name, and I'm sure there are other spiders that are completely different. Your name just  _happens_ to overlap with the Parkers."

Peni looked away. "I know."

"Listen," Gwen spoke again, her voice noticeably softer, "Look at Ham and Peter. Neither of them are a Japanese schoolgirl, you know? There are differences between you." She considered her words for a moment before she added, "At least, I think Ham isn't a schoolgirl. I'm still not entirely sure how his dimension works."

Peni giggled and Gwen pulled her in for another hug. 

"No one's trying to make you feel bad, Peni. We'd punch anyone who did. We'd punch ourselves for you."

"Please don't."

"No promises." Gwen ruffled Peni's hair. "If you know all this, why is it bothering you?"

Peni shrugged as she leaned against Gwen's side. "Told you. Just overwhelming." It had been a relief to find that she passed perfectly fine and the others hadn't a hint of suspicion about her, but it also felt weird. She never outright told people she was trans, but she still sought out the... Validation? That sometimes went with people knowing.

But those thoughts went back to her father, and she shut them down quickly.

"I'm okay now." She wiped at her eyes and pulled away again. "I just needed to get out of my own head for a bit."

Gwen hummed again and nodded. "I know the feeling." She stood up and reached down to pull Peni up with her. "Ready to jump back into the fray?"

Peni stared at the hand offered to her and felt a pang of emotion that she couldn't name. It was.. Was family an emotion? A familiarity of souls, a jolt of acceptance, an overwhelming urge of safety? Maybe she should just call it love. That was the most practical answer, and it was an emotion she was more familiar with.

She grinned, much more genuine that time. "Of course!"


	2. Baby Steps (Aunt May)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u all for the great comments so far!! im so glad this is a fandom thats so open to diverse headcanons and family relationships tbh. no real important a/n, just know I'd Die For Y'all
> 
> as always, lmk if i do or say anything wrong/distasteful/uninformed!
> 
> OH one more thing: this chapter takes place after the end of the movie some time

She was sure Aunt May had some kind of inkling as to the fact that she had a 'secret', but the older woman never brought it up. At least, not directly.

Ever since they had perfected interdimensional time travel she had, naturally, stopped by Aunt May's house as often as she could. This version of Aunt May was... Warmer than her own. Not that her own was bad, but the bond they had just wasn't the same. She chalked it up to the many differences between the spiders and didn't worry too much about it, but she could tell the others felt similarly.

If nothing else, Aunt May was a friendly face that accepted all of them, flaws included. And really, who were they to pass that up?

It was with that love that Peni almost dared to call unconditional that came the comfort of just... Existing. While there were everyday stresses both in the bot and out of it, it all seemed small when she looked at the bigger picture. She had a place to go when she needed it, she had friends--family--when she needed them, and she knew that really that was all she needed.

Aunt May dropped her own assurances, too, of course. Little things that assured  _all_ of them that they were welcome. Peni couldn't imagine how even with her loss Aunt May had still taken in all the lost spiders she found, but she did, and she had Peni's respect for it. The way she always had tea and coffee she knew they all liked. The way there were three tubs of ice cream in the fridge at all times. The way the blanket Peni had 'claimed' by using every time she came over was always neatly folded on the back of the couch.

The way Aunt May included her in even mundane, every day things, like a family member would.

"I think we need lunch meat." Aunt May frowned down at her shopping list as she scratched something out. "I'm pretty sure this says lunch meat. Or llama neat. Either way I'll assume it's correct."

Peni giggled at the ridiculous statement and the jab at Peter's sloppy handwriting. She lazily followed behind Aunt May as they wound back down the isle towards the food section of the store. The store wasn't too crowded so, despite the over stimulation from the lights above, she felt relatively relaxed as they moved through the clothing section. Her right hand trailed out beside her as she gently ran her fingers over any interesting looking piece of clothing she saw--which, admittedly, was most of them. It wasn't her fault that year seemed to like sequins and plastic designs.

She stopped when her fingers ran over a dress with ruffles down the front. The ruffles were small and fun to play with, even if the dress itself was an obnoxious green.

Something inside her lurched at the thought of the dress--as honestly hideous as it was--on her. It felt almost like having a secret, and almost getting caught with it. She hated the way the feeling inched up her neck even as she tried to convince herself the dress could be pretty on her. She'd never had a dress before, and even if she wore skirts it wasn't... The same. It was different. She didn't  _like_ different.

"Peni?"

She jerked her head up as she realized Aunt May had moved on and had made her way further down the isle. She quickly abandoned the dress and lightly trotted over to Aunt May's side once again.

"Do you want to look at the dresses? We have time, if you--"

"No! That's okay. I was just looking at it. I don't have any dresses at home." She kept her smile light, almost neutral, as she tried to hide the weird anxiety in her gut. Secrets weren't lies, only truths not spoken. She tried to convince herself that to keep the guilt knawing in her stomach any time she thought otherwise. She knew without a doubt Aunt May could sense her anxiety, but she didn't press.

Aunt May continued to push the cart. "Alright. But let me know if you want to buy one. It's really no trouble."

Peni ignored the funny feeling again, and stayed silent.

If only it wasn't.

* * *

Of course, that wasn't where it ended. Peni actually felt kind of silly for not considering that Aunt May wouldn't let it drop, considering how she obviously felt about it, even if she couldn't say anything.

She stared down at the black and gray dress laid purposefully across the guest bed. A very small dress. One about her size.

"What's this?" She asked innocently as she glanced at Aunt May, who stood in the doorway. She knew, obviously, what it was, but she didn't know  _why_. Why a dress would be there, on the guest bed, waiting for her. Why Aunt May would buy her a dress. Why an article of clothing made her feel so  _weird._

Aunt may smiled, knowing and gentle as always. "You said you didn't have any, so I bought you one. It's okay if you don't like it. I'm a bit out of touch when it comes to fashion, you don't have to pretend otherwise." She laughed and walked over to the bed to pick up the dress and held it up to Peni. "I had to guess the size, but this looks about right."

Peni glanced down at the dress as it was pinned against her front. It really did look like it would fit, and she felt excited about the idea of wearing it. Still, part of her brain nagged at her that something was off.

When Aunt May asked her to try it on and gently guided her to the bathroom, though, she didn't hesitate to change into it without a second thought. 

Then she looked down at it again, and...

It felt wrong.

She blinked away frustrated tears as her mind screamed at her.  _New. Bad! Different. Bad! Dress. Bad!_ Over and over again like a cruel joke in her head until she angrily took off the dress and tossed it against the wall. She scurried back into her clothes an and stood with her arms crossed as she stared at the offensive article of clothing.

Why was this oh so difficult. It was a  _dress._

"Does it fit? How is it?"

Aunt May's voice on the other side of the door reminded her that she was limited on time and was kind of on the spot. She sighed, silently, and tried to fake a smile as she talked through the door. "Yeah, it fits! Thank you for this."

She really did appreciate it. Even if she had mixed feelings about the dress, she knew Aunt May cared and that meant a lot to her. 

"Of course," Aunt May's voice grew soft, "Do I get to see it?"

Peni didn't have an answer for that.

"...Peni?" The concerned voice made her frown as she tried to think of a way out of her situation. She could feel her spider, just in the other room, and could sense their calming wishes. It did a little to help, but she knew that it was her own battle to fight, this time. "You don't have to wear it, Peni."

Peni sighed again as she picked up the dress and opened the door before she could have second thoughts about it. When she came face to face with Aunt May, though, she realized she didn't really know what to say.

Thankfully, Aunt May did.

"We'll hang it in the closet." She said with a gentle smile, "It'll be there if you want it." She pulled Peni into her side in a hug, which Peni gratefully returned. She took the dress and placed it back on the bed and turned to Peni once more. "Do you  _want_ to talk about it?"

Peni took in a deep breath. 

"I--" She knew she didn't have to explain herself. She didn't have to say a word. But at least with Aunt May she knew she could rely on the things she didn't say over the things she did. "I'm not used to--dresses." She smiled, nervous, and rubbed the back of her head. "I don't have any at home. The closest I have is my school uniform, and even that is fairly... Recent." She'd only been wearing the uniform for a semester. Not out of social blocks, but definitely out of mental ones. "B-but I do like the dress! I just--I feel--I don't know."

Aunt May's brow furrowed as she tried to grasp onto the unsaid, just like Peni predicted. 

Peni played with the hem of her shorts, not the article in question but a soothing feeling. She looked away from Aunt May and bit her lip, unsure of what else to say. With Gwen it had been easy--casual and comforting in her search for safety. Aunt May wasn't different, but she didn't know what was needed. She didn't know how not to blurt out something awkward or unnecessary.

After a moment Aunt May pulled her in for another hug.

"I want you to wear whatever you're comfortable with." Aunt May said gently, a tone of uncertainty in her voice. When Peni relaxed in her arms her tone had much more confidence. "Baby steps are probably better, then. New things can be scary, and there's nothing wrong with thinking so. Everyone thinks that about something."

Peni didn't know what baby steps could be, but she nodded. Aunt May was right, of course, and it would all work out eventually. She just wished that 'eventually' could be 'right now' instead.

Aunt May walked into another room and came back with a large, well-worn, dark gray t-shirt. It would work as pajamas, and it would fit Peni like a dress. It also smelled comfortingly like Aunt May.

Baby steps.

At least that time she didn't cry. No matter how close she might have been to it. Not that there was anything wrong with crying, but she certainly hoped that wouldn't be her reaction to  _everything._  

...Okay maybe she did cry a little bit. But only happy tears, later that night, as she laid in bed and chewed on the collar of the shirt.

No one had to know about that, though.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright i lied sue me but i headcanon peni as anxious about gender affirmation stuff just because she doesnt get it a lot? i mean i dont think flat out misgendering is something that would Happen in her world just because.. idk im the author and i can say so BUT as a fellow Trans Autistic i can say that sometimes even good things can be anxiety inducing when theyre New and Unusual and thats where im getting a lot of peni's thought process from, even though she is actually bubbly and smart and independent in other regards
> 
> -coughs- follow me on tumblr @lazzurite -coughs-


	3. Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for misgendering, mentions of the want to vomit, and unreality-like thoughts
> 
> this is a shorter chapter but tbh i couldnt really flesh out the idea more without turning it into a more involved scene, and that wasn't my intention with that idea so. this is just under 1k words.
> 
> lmk if theres anything yall would want to see out of this, too!

“Peter, could you pass me the remote?”

Peni didn’t bother looking up from her phone, happy to let Peter hand Aunt May the remote. The social aspects of Miles' world were almost as fascinating as the technological ones. So many tiny things were different in a pattern that she could almost see. One thing happened different in one way, then a whole chain of almost-but-not-quite events took place instead of the things that happened in her own universe. It was addicting, almost, to read about.

She was surprised, then, when she felt a tap on her shoulder.

“Huh?” She looked up and met Miles’ eyes. 

Miles stared at her, amused and confused. “Aunt May asked for the remote.”

She blinked wearily before she reached down and grabbed the remote from the table. Maybe she had misheard Aunt May? Yeah, that was it. She had said ‘Peni’ and Peni just hadn’t been paying attention.

“Sorry.” She said as she handed Miles the remote, who passed it down to Aunt May. She went back to her phone, slightly embarrassed but eager to forget about it. It was probably just a mix of zoning out and her nerves.

About ten minutes later the group began to discuss food. Peni's stomach growled at the thought.

“We should ask Peter what he wants to eat. I’m tired of pizza.” Gwen said. Peni had to agree; their go-to was always pizza, and she wasn’t even a fan of it to begin with. It was an easy choice, though, and some nights that was all that mattered.

“Peter?”

She stared at her screen, intent on not looking at any of them until Peter responded. She felt a sinking feeling.

“He zoned out again.”

Miles’ statement felt like an actual bag of bricks hit her in the chest. They weren’t--they couldn’t be talking about her. They wouldn’t. They knew her as Peni, they had no reason to call her…

She looked up and saw all eyes on her. She wanted to scream, cry, throw up, and answer all at the same time. 

“Who--Me?” She asked, her voice thick with emotion. She glanced between all of them, confused and hurt and  _ betrayed. _

“In his defense, there are several Peters in this room.” Ham joked, “We could start a club.”

Miles pouted, obviously put-off by the idea. “Don’t exclude me!”

“Honorary Peter.” Noir nodded, entirely serious, and Miles grinned.

Gwen gave Peni a weird look. “C’mon, Peter, what do you want to eat?”

Was this some kind of… Joke? A cruel prank? She couldn’t believe that Gwen would be that mean, or that Aunt May would go along with it. That any of them would, even if they didn’t know. No, it had to be some kind of misunderstanding. Or… Or something.

“I’m not--I’m not Peter.” She managed to get out. She smiled, nervous and sad, “Why are you calling me that?”

She didn’t want to be mad at her friends, even though her hurt and confusion pounded in her chest. It had to be a mistake.

“What’s he talking about?” Peter said around a mouth full of chips, “Peter, do you go by something else? Woulda been useful to know before this.”

“I’m Peni.” Her voice broke as she sat up in an effort to put distance between them and herself. She stared at all of them. Some kind of mind wipe, maybe? Another alternate universe? “Don’t you remember? I’ve never been--”

“That’s not true.”

She swallowed hard as Gwen spoke up. Her blood turned to ice and she felt her spider-sense go off. Where was her spider? Why weren’t they here with her? Why did this whole thing feel so--so--

“You’re Peter.” Gwen’ leveled an icy stare at her that she didn’t understand. “You told me, remember?”

She was definitely going to throw up. This couldn’t be real. There was no way Gwen would say that, and there was no way the others would join in. There was a mistake--some villain or some--some--

“Peter?” Miles touched her shoulder gently, “Are you okay?”

“No!” She stood and backed away from them. Her breathing grew ragged as she struggled to breathe. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be real. Why was this so  _weird?_ “No, I’m not okay! I’m not Peter! Why would--why would you say that? I don’t understand, I’m not Peter--”

“Peter?”

“Peter, just calm down.”

“Peter--”

_**“Peni?”** _

Peni jolted awake, suddenly confused about her surroundings. It was dark, but she could see the hallway light just a few feet away from her. Her neck hurt from the uncomfortable position she had fallen asleep in--against Noir’s chest as he leaned against the headboard. 

To her other side Gwen sat with a hand on her shoulder, and Miles at her feet stared up at them, sleepy and concerned.

She rubbed her eyes, suddenly aware she had been crying and breathing heavily. “S-sorry. Bad dream. ‘M fine.” She whispered, scared and embarrassed and so very, very confused. It had been.. A dream? Had it? That made sense, but her brain was still foggy and cluttered.

“It’s okay, Peni.” Noir gave her a gentle hug, which she leaned into. “It’s been a long night.”

That’s right. Patrol had been fairly eventful, unfortunately on one of the nights they got together as a group. It was great that Miles didn’t have to handle it alone, but that meant they had all barely made their way to the guest bed before they passed out for the night.

She was just stressed. That’s why she had a nightmare--and none of that had actually happened.

“Try to get some more sleep, Pen.” Gwen said gently as she guided Peni back into a laying-down position. “Unless you want to talk about it?”

Peni shook her head and latched onto Gwen’s arm, uncertain. Gwen allowed it, though, and laid beside her. She felt Noir and Miles settle back down in their awkward positions.

With a shaky breath she closed her eyes again. She still felt… Upset. She felt angry and hurt. But it had only been a dream. One that, hopefully, she would forget about eventually. She didn’t need the self doubt.

She felt her spider reach out to her mentally and comfort her. It was a bad idea to have a spider in bed, so they had claimed their own spot on the nightstand. Peni returned the gesture with an assurance that she was okay before she tried to clear her head once again. She snuggled into Gwen's side and Gwen laid her free hand gently on Peni's arm.

Things would look better in the morning.


End file.
